Holding On, Letting Go, And Finding Home
by xIAmAlsoAWe
Summary: He had been her hope, but once the only tangible connection to him was gone in favor of trying to find way out – the irony isn't lost upon him – he was gone, reduced to a blip in her mind. He had been replaced with someone else, the only source of hope she could cling onto. Their connection was so visceral; so primal. He was smart enough to know that he couldn't compete with that.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys! So after that intense, heartbreaking, gut-wrenching episode, I HAD to come up with a fic to write. So, I wrote this. Also because I love the idea of Fitz hitting a punching bag.**

 **I do understand Jemma's side and I feel like a lot of people are hating on her character, but shouldn't. If you look at it objectively, her actions are completely justified. This fic looks at both sides, but obviously, FITZSIMMONS. Please read the A/N before you read the fic!**

 **Inspired by what Elizabeth said about the episode: "But their relationship was born out of her trying to get back to Fitz and that's what hurts the most."**

 **(So, I was reading an article about the episode and their first paragraph ended, "she found love in a hopeless place." -_- Bud-dum tsss)**

 **A/N: Logically, I know that the date of when Fitz burst into the room with the Monolith and broke all our hearts doesn't coincide with the day where Jemma lost all hope, but let's just pretend that it does, shall we?**

 **Enjoy~**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own _Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D._ nor any of its characters. If I did, there wouldn't be this love triangle.**

* * *

 _Is anybody out there?  
Is anybody listening?  
Does anybody really know?  
If it's the end or the beginning,  
A cry  
A rush  
From one breath  
Is all we're waiting for  
Sometimes the one we're taking  
Changes every one before_

 _It's everything you wanted, it's everything you don't  
It's one door swinging open and one door swinging closed  
Some prayers find an answer  
Some prayers never know  
We're holding on and letting go_

 _Sometimes we're holding angels  
And we never even know  
Don't know if we'll make it,  
But we know,  
We just can't let it show_

He understands.

He shouldn't, but he does.

He understands why and how, but that doesn't mean he likes it nor does it mean he accepts it. In fact, he absolutely despises everything that's going on and he refuses to accept it.

He'd been under this false premise the whole time she'd been back. And maybe it wasn't entirely false, maybe she still loved him, but that truth didn't change the fact that she was in love with another man – a jock, no less. _God, this was so cliché._

 _He_ had been her hope, but once the only tangible connection to him was gone in favor of trying to find way out – the irony isn't lost upon him – he was gone, reduced to a blip in her mind. He had been replaced with someone else, the only source of hope she could cling onto. Their connection was so visceral; so primal. He may not have two PhDs in biology and chemistry nor one in psychology, but he was smart enough to know that he couldn't compete with that.

And as much as he hated the guy, he felt so guilty for it. He was indebted to the guy and immensely grateful for giving Jemma hope when she had none, for protecting her and loving her. Who knows what might've happened if he hadn't been there?

Fitz threw another punch onto the heavy bad and watched as it swung back and forth, his ragged breathing and the clanking of the chain that was holding the bag up filling the eerily silent room.

He hates this whole situation.

Right then, a sudden rage built up inside him as he struck the leather bag hard with his gauze-wrapped hand. He couldn't stop. Another strike swung the bag high and echoed throughout the room. And another and another and another. He kept on going until his brain screamed for oxygen and his hands felt numb. He held onto the top of the bag, his head resting against the leather exterior.

If he hadn't thought of the clever quip he'd managed to finally say to her about modifying the dispersal pattern of her crystalline nucleation process by using a delivery mechanism he'd invented, they would've never met. They would've just been each other's competition forever. He thanks whatever heavenly deity for giving him the urge that day to sneak a peek at her notes during a rather boring lecture in Professor Vaughn's ethics and history class. He shudders to think of a world where they weren't inseparable. And if it weren't for the sheer amount of years that they'd known each other, he thinks that she would've never even given him a second glance towards a romantic relationship, let alone fall in love with him. He knows that it sounds harsh, but it's true. He knows all too well of the types of guys she goes for – muscular, brave, confident guys like Will – not lanky, uncoordinated, cowardly guys like him. And truth be told, she deserved much more than him. She deserved someone who would always be by her side, never doubt her loyalty, and protect her fiercely; everything that he'd failed to do.

He understood it, but that didn't mean he had to like it.

But as he returned to his method of stress-relieving, he couldn't help but think about how perfect her smile was and how captivating her eyes were. He couldn't stop thinking about how she had kissed his cheek after she'd sacrificed herself to save the rest of the team. And how she'd peppered his face with kisses before he gave her the last puff of oxygen at the bottom of the ocean. And how she packed his favorite sandwich and wrote _Love, Jemma_. And how she held his wrist to stop him from leaving with Coulson so she could tell him that maybe there was something to talk about. And how she smiled shyly at him as she agreed to dinner. And how she hugged him tightly when he'd pulled her back to Earth. And how he woke up to her sleeping against his knee. And the feel of her hand tightly in his as he'd led her back into the lab for the first time since she'd been back.

He hadn't realized someone had entered the gym until he heard someone scream his name.

"FITZ!"

He stopped striking, but the numbness remained. Blood pounded in his ears as his chest rose and fell rapidly, his body trying fervently to replenish his oxygen supply. His vision was a little fuzzy, but as it cleared up, he could make out the person who called his name.

The very person that had him in this situation.

"Jemma," he breathed. "What, uh, what are you doing here?" He was still panting.

"I was, uh," she cleared her throat, "I was looking for you actually."

"Okay, um," Fitz walked towards the small table against the pillar to grab a towel and his water bottle. "Um, what do ya need?"

Needless to say, the tension between them exceeded awkward. And he'd thought that nothing could be as awkward and tense between them than during his recovery phase after she'd come back from her undercover mission. God, he'd been so wrong.

"I need your help with the D.W.A.R.F.s."

Fitz draped the towel around his neck after dabbing it on his forehead. He turned back to her and drank a sip of water. "Sure, what did you -"

"Oh my God, Fitz!" She ran towards him and tossed his water bottle on the table.

"Hey! I was drinking tha' y'know!"

Jemma held his hands in hers and it took all his willpower not to grab her and kiss her. He gulped and stuttered, "W-w-wha' are you - "

"Your hands, Fitz!" He looked down at them. She was right to be concerned. Blood slowly seeped through the layers of gauze. "Come on," she said, dragging him towards the med bay.

If he hadn't been so annoyed by the appearance of Dr. Simmons, he would've noticed the puffiness of her eyes and the tears that threatened to fall.

 **.**

Jemma smiled. It was two weeks since they had figured out a way to open the portal long enough to bring back Will from the alien planet.

And she was happy.

For the first time in a long time, she'd allowed herself to be careless about something. And the result was overwhelmingly positive. She didn't overthink things like she usually did; things just happened spontaneously.

Will was still getting adjusted to being back on Earth and accustomed to the events and advancements of the last 14 years, but all in all, everything was great.

She opened up a cabinet underneath one of the workstations and pulled out the case that held the D.W.A.R.F.s. It was nice to see them again; it reminded her of a much simpler time. Everything had been so black and white then; they were oblivious to the slow resurrection of Hydra.

She picked up Bashful and smiled. Without knowing, her elbow hit the side of the black case which subsequently moved the mouse of the computer in front of her. The screen lit up to life and the desktop's main screen stared back at her. She wouldn't have thought anything of it, but she noticed that there was a new icon on the screen. Curious, she put Bashful back in his place and clicked on the icon.

A video appeared on the screen and she shuddered in horror at what was looking back at her. The Monolith in all its glory stood in its cage, center stage. She moved the mouse to exit the application, but she stopped herself when the door of the restricted room burst open. It was Fitz.

He was wielding a shotgun in his hands and she watched in equal parts awe and shock as Fitz shot the strap that wrapped around the case and the hinges of the door with deadly accuracy. If she hadn't been so overwhelmed, she would've been impressed - Fitz hated guns. Back at the Academy, while they were figuring out how to find the right dosage of dendrotoxin to use in the ICERs, he had told her that he hated guns because of the immense power that they had; the ultimatum of life and death. He was proud to have took part in making a non-lethal weapon.

She watched as he stood inside the case with the Monolith, staring at it. She'd thought that the screen had frozen, but suddenly, a piercing scream filled the empty lab.

 _"Do something! DO SOMETHING!"_ She heard Fitz yell over and over and over at the unmoving object. She raised a hand to her mouth, feeling tears pool at the crevice between her hand and her cheeks. Fitz kept on screaming and crying and punching the giant rock, hoping that aggravating it would make it… well, do something.

She was just about to yell at the screen and at "him" to stop, but stopped herself when two other people burst into the room, followed by the rest of the team. It took two of them to pull him back as Mack and Skye – Daisy – closed the door to the cage. It turned back into liquid form.

 _He had been a few seconds away from being sucked into the portal and teleported to where she had been stuck in for six months._

She wondered how things would've gone differently if he had been sucked in. Would they have ever gotten out?

 _At least, they would've been together._

As she watched as Fitz fell to the floor and Bobbi wiped something off of his cheek, she hit the space bar, pausing the video. Her eyes drifted towards the date in the top right corner. She quickly did the calculations in her head.

The same day she had lost all hope.

Maybe they were telepathic.

An immense wave of guilt washed over her. The day Fitz had lost hope, he had been willing to sacrifice his life and be swallowed by a giant rock – unknown to the fate that lied behind it and not even caring that it could've been death – just to be with her. And that same day, she had "run" into the arms of another man. He had been a few seconds away from being the hope she needed after she watched the bottle that contained everything that was needed to free them from hell get smashed into a thousand pieces.

She thought back to that moment when she'd lost hope. She hadn't even thought about Fitz and how he had probably been working non-stop to rescue her.

 _"I know you won't give up, so I won't either."_

He never gave up. She did.

She needed to go find him. Now.

* * *

 **A/N: Please leave a review if you liked it! Thanks for reading!**

 **A/N: The song is called "Holding On and Letting Go" by Ross Copperman**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys! I was supposed to update the day before yesterday, but I've been so busy this Halloween weekend. Hope you guys had a great (and safe) Halloween!**

 **This was originally supposed to be a two-shot, but there's going to be at least one more chapter. :)**

 **Enjoy~**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own _Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. nor any of its characters._**

* * *

 _[Sierra:]_

 _Little do you know  
How I'm breaking while you fall asleep  
Little do you know  
I'm still haunted by the memory  
Little do you know  
I'm trying to pick myself up piece by piece  
Little do you know  
I need a little more time  
Underneath it all I'm held captive by the hole inside  
I've been holding back  
For the fear that you might change your mind  
I'm ready to forgive you but forgetting is a harder fight  
Little do you know  
I need a little more time_

 _[Alex:]_

 _I'll wait, I'll wait  
I love you like you've never felt the pain, I'll wait  
I promise you don't have to be afraid, I'll wait  
The love you see right here stays so lay your head on me  
Little do you know  
I know you're hurt while I'm sound asleep  
Little do you know  
All my mistakes are slowly drowning me  
Little do you know  
I'm trying to make it better piece by piece  
Little do you know  
I, I love you till the sun dies_

He winced at the sting of the rubbing alcohol on his cuts. Jemma had cleaned the blood from his hands, but his hands didn't look any better; in fact, they looked worse.

As Jemma turned back towards the first-aid kit, he clenched his hands into a fist and released them again. Bruises littered his hands and cuts marred his knuckles. He had been too angry and too upset to have realized the injuries he was creating, let alone care about them.

She turned back around and started to slowly rub ointment on his knuckles. Fitz straightened himself on the edge of one of the lab tables, trying his hard not to hiss. The only thing that kept him from directly letting Jemma know he was in pain was the feeling of her free hand holding his – her thumb subconsciously ran circles on his fingers – as the other hand gently applied the gel on his wounds.

"Sorry," she murmured, because of course she knew what he was feeling. She switched over to the other hand, dutifully treating his cuts.

He watched as she meticulously wrapped gauze around his hands.

He had seen her alter ego of Dr. Simmons countless times before, the majority of them being when they were attending the Academy. She was always meticulous and professional, performing her duties swiftly. It was only after he was all patched up that she would start to lecture him about how stupid he'd been or how dangerous things were. This time, however, something felt off.

She tucked the end of the gauze tightly inside the wrapping and looked up at him. The tight smile she gave him faltered a little and if it were anyone else, she might've gotten away with her façade. But this was Fitz and no one knew her better or was fine-tuned to the biochemist more than the mechanical engineer.

As he hopped off the table, she gave him a curt, "You're good to go." The small crack in her voice and the pool of tears welling up in the corner of her eyes finally broke his resolve. He was just about to pull her in for a hug when she turned away from him and started to pack up the first-aid kit.

He sighed. _She was always his weakness._

He ran his fingers through his hair slowly. "So, um, what did you need help with? Erm, earlier, I mean."

Jemma shook her head; she didn't trust her voice to speak.

"Jemma?"

She couldn't get the sound of him screaming and crying out of her head. And when she'd seen him going at it in the gym…

He saw the faintest of shudders run through her and immediately rushed over to her, holding her in his arms. As she turned around in his arms, he held her tightly against him and for the first time in weeks, he finally managed to relax. There were no thoughts haunting him or feelings eating at his heart.

She sobbed in his embrace, feeling truly safe for the first time. As his left hand ran small patterns on her lower back and the other cradled her head in an effort to calm her down, she noticed the lack of shaking in his hands. He had gone through so much in order to bring her back. His significant progress hadn't gone unnoticed. When she'd returned from the planet, she'd noticed the lack of shaking in his hands and lack of confusion as he strung words together effortlessly. Skye – Daisy, she reminded herself – had even told her that he had learned new languages during his search to find a way to open the portal. As she felt him wrap his arms tighter around her, she couldn't help but notice his physical change too. She remembered how Bobbi had told her that she and Hunter had taught him close quarter combat and weapons training because on his missions, he would dive headfirst into dangerous situations without regard for his own safety after she had been swallowed. Her hands clutched the back of his shirt tightly; she felt guilty.

He ignored the butterflies in his stomach and the tug of guilt as he kissed the side of her head. "Shhh…," he comforted. "You're home now. You're safe."

In response to his words, she pulled away from him. Afraid he might've crossed some sort of line, he moved to step back and apologize, but his eyes landed on hers. It was like she was searching for something. He just stared back at her as she searched his eyes. _God, she was so beautiful._

He wanted to kiss her so badly, to finally feel her lips on his – for real this time, New Years of 2005 didn't count.

"Jem-"

"How can you still love me?"

He was taken aback by her question. "How could I not?" He replied, not thinking before he spoke. _How could she even ask that question?_

"Even with all that's going on? Even when all I do is break your heart?" Her voice cracked, a stray tears slid down her cheek.

"Of course," he said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "I will always love you, Jemma. No matter what."

Her breath hitched, the force of his statement knocking the air out of her lungs. "But why?" Her voice was small and full of insecurity. He recalled a different time when she'd said those exact two words to him. And again, the two words were tainted with tears. Except, this time, he wasn't running away from her.

 _Fitz took a deep breath._ It was now or never to say what he wanted to say.

 _As he turned around to speak, she spoke too. For a split second, he thought about the time before they were thrown into the ocean to die – how they'd talk over each other._

 _"I'd like to say something-"_

 _"No, I know-"_

 _"Please, let me go first."_

 _"No – I um, I know, I know, I know, but-"_

 _"No, there's something I need to address-"_

 _"… but I've got a whole-"_

 _"No! I…" She took a breath. "I know things have been difficult between us since I got back from being undercover, but I need you to understand that I didn't leave because of what happened to you-"_

 _"No, no, no, Jemma, Jemma, please. I've got a whole, um, I just… it's hard enough to get the words out." He stood with his back towards her, gathering the courage he needed to say what he had to say. "I've been thinking and I'm going to leave the lab so you can… be the one who runs the science division." He turned around to face her; confusion etched her features, tears threatening to spill._

 _He didn't dare to look at her after that. Her voice was filled with disbelief, "You're quitting?"_

 _He finally faced her. "No. I'm going to the garage, on the BUS, with Mack."_

 _The statement hit her full force. He watched as she took in the weight of his words. "But why?"_

 _He looked down at the ground. "You know why."_

"Because I can't hate you, Jemma – it's literally impossible too. If someone does, they're not human.

"Tell that to Mindy Beatty," she joked, an automatic response to his words.

He smiled a little, "Well that further proves my point doesn't it?"

Jemma gave him a real smile this time, thinking of their days back at the Academy, but it faded as quickly as it came. Silence dawned upon them and for a moment, they stood like that, across from each other as they were brought back to a simpler time.

"I wasn't crying because I was stranded on a different planet for six months. I was crying because," she took a shaky breath before continuing, "before, I was in the lab and there was this video on one of the computers. I was curious, so I opened it. And then, I came into the gym to find you and you were punching the bag and I couldn't help but think back to the video." She paused for a moment, trying to find her voice again. "You were there, Fitz, screaming at the monolith and punching it and crying. If Mack and Hunter and Bobbi and Skye didn't get there in time to pull you back, you could've been swallowed by it, Fitz."

"I know," he said.

"You could've been swallowed by it, Fitz," she repeated. "You didn't even know what it did. It could've killed you, but you went in there anyway! Fitz, that was stupid of you! You're a scientist! You gather all the data, form a hypothesis, and weigh the pros and cons before you do anything. You just don't burst into a room with an alien rock and scream at it to do something! You could've gotten yourself killed!"

And there was the lecturing.

Fitz smiled at her.

"What?"

He shook his head. "Nothing."

"Look, I'm sorry, Jemma, for upsetting you. Sorry, okay? But I won't apologize for my actions. I had lost hope. The one thing that would tell me how to free you said only one word on it, _death._ And I couldn't bear to live in a world without you. And if I did die, then at least we would've been together. You're a part of me, Jemma. And the day you were swallowed, a part of me was lost too. So, I'm not going to say I'm sorry for what I did because I would do it again and again if it meant that I could be with you."

"Fitz…" Tears gathered up in her eyes. His words echoed in her head, _"I had lost hope."_ She had too. He was willing to die for her, be swallowed by the alien rock because at least then, they would've been together, but she had given her heart to another man. _She didn't deserve a man like him._

"I saw you two together before I went to the gym," he admitted. "I was angry and upset and-" he clenched his fists and closed his eyes, taking in a breath. "I needed to do something and while you were gone, I found that the punching bag helped me. I would go there when I couldn't sleep."

Jemma took a step forward. "I'm sorry, Fitz. I'm so sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry about, Jemma. It wasn't your fault." She eyed him; there was something he wasn't saying.

"Fitz."

He ran a hand through his hair again. "Jemma, please don't."

"Tell me, Fitz. What are you not saying?"

He let out a heavy sigh. "It's not your fault, Jemma, but…"

"But?"

"It's mine," he finally said.

"What?"

" _I_ was the one that opened that cage. That's why you were swallowed."

"Fitz, no-"

"Yes, Jemma! It was because of me that you were taken to another planet and stranded for six months. It was my fault that we didn't get to have that dinner. It was my fault that you had to through all that. It was because of me that you fell in love with another man." His voice turned small as the realization hit him full force. Suddenly, he laughed dryly. It was as if the "floodgates" broke then as he finally blurted out everything he had bottled up the past few weeks, "I love you, Jemma. I love you and I want you, so bad, but how can I complain when you're happy? And it's because of me that you met him. So I can't complain. You're happy and that's all I want for you, to be happy."

Tears fell freely from her eyes. "Oh, you wonderful man," she whispered. He had tears in his eyes and she couldn't help think about how heartbroken he must be. If he had been swallowed by an alien rock and come back in love with another woman, she doesn't think she would've made it as long as he did. He had even helped her create the portal and open it, helped Will adjust to normal life, and stayed by her side through all of it.

She was torn. Half of her heart belonged to the man standing across from her and the other was in the hands of a man she was stranded on another planet with.

She stepped towards him, not knowing what to do with her hands anymore. "You have to know that I love you. That I always have and always will."

"But not enough for you to be with me." He said, sadly.

"Fitz…" her voice cracked.

He shook his head, a tight-lipped smile now on his face. "It's okay, Jemma." He started to walk away from her and just then he felt her grab his wrist. He turned to look at her, looking vulnerable as ever. The tug of another memory popped up in his mind.

 _"There's nothing to talk about, Jemma."_

 _"Maybe there is."_

Hope filled his heart when Jemma opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Tears fell from her face.

He gave another sad, tight-lipped smile. "I understand, Jemma. It's okay."

"You're my best friend in the entire world, Fitz." She finally said when she felt the tug of his hand to try and escape her grip.

Another memory.

She hadn't reciprocated his declaration of love then either.

"But nothing more." She didn't resist then, when he walked away from her then.

She dropped onto the ground and cried. She wanted to go after him, to tell him that yes, she felt more. But she couldn't. It was like she was rooted to the ground. Everything was so complicated. Fitz he was the hope that kept her sanity together; it was the thoughts of him and the awaiting date that gave her the strength to live. He had kept a reservation for six months and even paid out the entire restaurant just so that she wouldn't be constantly bothered by distractions. And what had she done? She had cried. She had cried because she was reminded of Will and wine and everything that happened to her on that godforsaken planet. When she had looked up at him, she felt so guilty for betraying him. She cried and he had held her. She loved Fitz with all her heart, he was her home. He was the only one that truly understood her and made her feel safe. He was the only one to make her feel beautiful and loved.

And she broke his heart.

Again and again.

She didn't deserve him.

* * *

 **A/N: Please leave a review if you liked it! Thanks so much for reading!**

 **A/N: The song above is "Little Do You Know" by Alex & Sierra.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey guys!**

 **Oh my god, I'm so sorry for not updating! I had totally forgotten about this fic. I thought it had been completed, but as I was looking over my documents, I realized that it wasn't finished. So, here's the last chapter! It might not be what I had in mind for this story at the time I conceptualized it, but I hope you enjoy~**

 **Forgive any mistakes, I haven't written fanfics in a long time.**

 **(The song is "Home" by Katharine McPhee).**

* * *

 _You are the world within the world that I exist  
You are the touch that just won't fade  
You are the end and beginning of each and every day  
You are the reason I stay sane_

 _It's hard to see beautiful  
Oh, it's hard to see beautiful in your own eyes  
But you make me beautiful for the very first time_

 _Does anybody know what it's like  
To feel larger than life?  
To look deep in your soul  
And know you're not alone?_

 _Does anybody know how it feels  
To find something that's real  
And make it your own?  
That's when you know that you found home  
Home, you found home, home_

 **A Few Days Later.**

When Fitz had been in his coma, Jemma had kept vigil by his bedside every day until that glorious moment when he had woken up. But the nine days she had stayed next to him in that small, stuffy room were literal hell. More so than when she was trapped on that godforsaken planet, all hope of seeing the sun, the Earth, or Fitz seemingly lost.

When the BUS had arrived at the Playground and she'd shown the team that she was alive and informed them that Fitz was too, she had felt a modicum of safety. And then her mind had drifted back to Fitz. The doctors – those that were still loyal to S.H.I.E.L.D. – had gone to take MRIs of Fitz's brain to assess for any visible damage the lack of oxygen to his brain had caused. They wanted to prepare for any and all scenarios when and if he woke up.

During those long few hours, she had needed to preoccupy herself with something other than Fitz. She had been on the verge of driving herself crazy thinking about him and all the scenarios that could happen. So, she went on an impromptu tour of the new base. It was an hour later when she stumbled across an unlocked door that led up to the roof. She had the fleeting thought that an unlocked door to the roof was a glaring security hazard for a top secret base, but it faded away when she saw the security measures on the roof. If it were anyone else, they wouldn't have given the antenna tower a second thought, but she wasn't just anyone.

The antenna was one of Fitz's inventions – one she'd given him some input on. The long metallic pole was crossed twice with parallel lines much like a mutated "T." The inconspicuous object created a force field around the building twice over and combatted any ammunition and electronical waves that tried to destroy or disarm the base. She gave a little smile, but it disappeared as quick as it came, replaced with a stoic façade.

Since that moment, whenever she'd needed a break, fresh air, or if everything got too much for her, she'd go up to the roof.

Now, staring at the antenna, a wave of sadness fell upon her. She knew it was utter nonsense to have an inanimate object control her emotions, but she couldn't help it. All she could think about was how she and Fitz grew apart. Their time at the Academy seemed so far gone, at this point, that she felt as if she was thrust into another world, so to speak.

As she turned towards the view of the town, the sunrise looked bleak and meager to her. She had longed to see just one sunrise on that planet, but to no avail. Now, back on Earth, with unlimited sunrises as long as she was alive, it didn't feel as special as they should've been. Not without Fitz beside her.

After their fallout, their relationship had become entirely professional. It was all last names and tight smiles, courtesy for personal space and no more movie nights. It was like they were at the Academy again, before they'd pull their heads out of their asses and joined forces. Her days were now filled with awkward brushes as they shuffled around the lab, murmured apologies, and full sentences. Suffice to say, she absolutely hated it.

She'd even taken to slowing down the pace of her words just a fraction of a second in hopes for Fitz to finish her sentences, trying to give him the right opening to interject his thoughts – he never did. And if that wasn't frustrating enough, Fitz had become a shell of himself around her. He was right next to her every day, but he might as well have been millions of miles away – or lightyears, she should say.

The truth was, she never felt so helpless in her life; caught trapped between a boulder and a steel wall. She had never wanted to hurt anyone, least of all, Fitz. She would do anything to have change -

"Penny for your thoughts?"

Startled by the intruder of her thoughts, Jemma self-consciously tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and wrapped her arms around herself.

"Sorry."

Jemma sighed, dropping her arms. "You wouldn't like what I was thinking about, Will."

Will sighed knowingly and faced the town. "Fitz," he said definitively.

Jemma nodded, even though she knew he couldn't see it. The one person she hadn't meant to stumble upon, the man that was the reason for the awkward tension around the base had just read her thoughts while the one person she so desperately wished to be in tune with was drifting farther away from her every passing second.

Tears welled up in her eyes and she lowered her head. "I'm sorry," Jemma apologized, her voice cracking. _She never wanted anyone to get hurt._

He let out a breath and shook his head, "You have nothing to be sorry for. It's okay." He waited until she looked back up at him to say, "Truth is, I always knew it would be him. Over on the other side, it was me and you against the world, but here, on Earth… in reality, it's you and him – it has been from the very first day you guys met." He shrugged. "I just fooled myself by prolonging the inevitable."

She broke then, the dam breaking. "I'm so sorry, Will. I'm so sor-"

He pulled her into a hug just then, trying to dissipate her sobs. When she finally pulled away from him, her hand self-consciously came up to her clavicle and played with the pendant of her necklace.

They stood like that for a few moments, facing each other, but reluctant to move away.

"So, I'm gonna go back home."

Her voice mirrored her face in surprise, "Really?"

Will nodded, "Yeah, the doctors cleared me." He let out a shaky breath, "I think it's time to see my family; let them know I'm alive."

"That's great! Maybe you could work things out with your brother," Jemma added.

"Here's to hoping." He smiled a little, a trace of a real smile lingering on his face for a little bit.

Silence fell upon them and neither of them moved away from each other. They stayed rooted onto their places on the rooftop, the feeling of something that needed to be said floating around in the air.

Will was the one to break the silence.

"I've never seen you wear that before," he pointed his chin towards her necklace; she was still absent-mindedly playing with the small pendant – the sign of infinity with a tiny rose etched into its intersection. She looked down and quickly dropped her hand, but tried hard to stifle a smile.

"I haven't worn it in a very long time."

"Then why now?" He asked, genuinely curious.

Jemma shrugged. "I don't know. I just woke up and put it on this morning. The one I had on when I was swallowed by the Monolith is still on that planet. I forgot I even had it on until you pointed it out. I think today, of all days, it's a reminder."

"Of?"

"Reality," she answered, only realizing the weight of her word the moment it came out of her mouth.

He waited patiently for the story that he knew would come. Jemma looked at him hesitantly as she admitted, "Fitz gave it to me. Back when we were at the Academy."

She searched his eyes for any reluctance or regret, but when she found none, she found the strength to continue. "Once we found each other at the Academy, we became inseparable. Nobody else had ever understood me like Fitz did – does." She shut her eyes for a second before continuing, "I was sixteen and in another country by myself and I had nobody to talk to. I was scared, but excited at the same time because there I was, with likeminded individuals for the first time in my life. But it wasn't enough. I still felt like I was an outcast because I was this teenager in an adult world, outshining them in intellect. I had friends, sure, but it wasn't until I met Fitz that I truly found someone I could connect with. And as luck would have it, he understood me perfectly. Not only was he highly intelligent, he was sixteen too, living in a foreign country with nobody to talk to, feeling like he didn't belong. And the best part was, he was from the UK too. It was like having a home away from home." It took her a second to really, truly realize what she'd just said. "Every day, we were by each other's side. People had started to refer to us as one entity and it just stuck. We weren't just Fitz and Simmons anymore; we were FitzSimmons. We spent almost every second of every day together." Jemma let out a breath. _God, how times had changed._

She cleared her throat and smiled at the next part of her story. "The week before the actual week of Christmas was _our_ little impromptu Christmas. We each went home for the holidays, so the only way we could celebrate it together was if we celebrated it earlier; it was our little tradition. I think we'd only known each other for four years – we were at Sci-Ops, so a year after graduating the Academy – when he gave me this." Jemma scoffed at the triviality of the events beforehand, "Earlier that week, we had this huge fight about something that was so stupid that escalated quickly – I don't even remember what it was. It was our first real fight and we shared a flat together and worked together, so it was even worse. And we were both so petty and too proud to admit that we were wrong, so the week passed and it was four days until Christmas – that was when he would leave for Scotland. I would leave the day after. As I was packing, I realized his flight had been scheduled to leave a few hours beforehand and I had forgotten. I had been so wrapped up in my own world and trying to stay as far away from Fitz as possible that I hadn't even realized he had already left. He hadn't said goodbye and I hadn't realized that our tradition had gone out the window. I had been devastated."

 **.**

 _It went straight to voicemail. Again._

 _Jemma leaned back against her headboard and let out a frustrated breath. Her head lolled over to the right, her eyes landing on her open suitcase on the bed._ How could she have been so stupid and selfish?!

 _She wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand._ God, she was a terrible friend. Would Fitz ever forgive her? _A million more thoughts, exactly like those ran through her head for over an hour as tears streamed down her cheeks. Fitz was the only person she had, the only person that truly connected with her. He was her best friend in the whole world and she doesn't know would she would do if she didn't have Fitz in her life._

 _She threw her head back softly against her headboard._ She screwed up big time.

 _She tried calling Fitz again, but it only led to that robotic tone telling her that Fitz couldn't be reached. As Fitz's pre-recorded message was coming to an end, the sound of the front door of the flat closing echoed throughout the room._

 _Jemma started, her ears now catching every small sound. The tick-tock of the clock hanging on her wall synchronized with the blood pumping in her ears. She tiptoed her way to the door of her bedroom which was slightly ajar. Peeking through the crack, she made out a figure pacing in the kitchen. She gripped the handle of her door hard, trying to even out her breathing. As the man stayed still, standing firmly behind the kitchen island, her eyes finally focused on the man. The unruly curls were a dead giveaway._

 _"Fitz!" Jemma exclaimed. She ran towards him, enveloping him in a bear hug before he could even get a word out. It took him a second to register what was going on, but once he did, his arms wrapped around her. He hugged her tightly too._

 _"I'm sorry," they both said simultaneously._

 _They both laughed, blushing._ Everything was going to be okay.

 _Jemma fixed his tie and apologized once more. "I'm sorry, Fitz. I was being stupid and selfish."_

 _"So was I," Fitz replied. "I'm sorry too."_

 _Jemma smiled._

 _Fitz fished out a box from his backpack that rested on the floor. He handed her a small wrapped box._

 _"Fitz…" Jemma's tears welled up in her eyes again._

 _"Go on, take it. Open it." He said, a grin on his face._

 _Smiling, she took it from him and carefully opened the gift, making sure that the gift wrapper didn't rip._

 _"Jemma, come on. It's only just paper-"_

 _"Fitz, it's-"_

 _"A principle. I know, I know."_

 _"Ugh, Fitz. If you'd only just let me explain, you would understa-"_

 _This time, her sentence wasn't cut off by Fitz. Jemma had opened the box and was stunned to see what was inside._

 _"Oh, Fitz…" Her hand flew up to her mouth. "It's beautiful."_

 _Fitz smiled at her, his blue eyes shimmering with happiness. "It's made of vibranium; it won't break."_

 _"You made this?!" Jemma shouldn't have been surprised, he had made more delicate and more fragile things than this necklace, but she couldn't help it. Emotion overwhelmed her._

 _Fitz nodded._

 _She wrapped him in a hug again. "Thank you," she mumbled into his shoulder._

 _"No problem, Simmons. It was nothing. A friend of mine owed me, so I asked for vibranium."_

 _"Thank you," she whispered, tracing the infinity sign with her thumb as she marveled over the detail of the rose in the center._

 _"So that you always remember that no matter what, we'll always be together. We're a team and nothing can change that, not even a stupid fight."_

 _The tears threatened to fall._

 _"Fitz…"_

 **.**

"And from that moment on, we never ditched a tradition. From that moment on, we were always by each other's side." Jemma titled her head back a bit and sucked in a breath. Tears were threatening to fall and she didn't want to cry again. She let out a shaky breath and tried to regain control. She held the pendant between her fingers again as she sadly admitted, "Until Hydra came back. Until Ward and the ocean. Until the pod. Until the coma. And we broke all over again. It took a while until we found each other again and we were just going back to the way it had been, but that _stupid_ rock had to liquefy at that. Exact. Moment. And now… now, we're here, broken all over again." Jemma let out a cold laugh, "The only thing that hasn't been broken is this necklace."

"Do you know what I take from that story?" Will said after a few moments of silence.

Jemma turned her head towards him for an answer.

"That you always find each other again." Before Jemma could rebut his statement, he continued. "No matter how terrible things get, no matter how lost you get, you guys _always_ find your way back to each other. I mean, we were stuck on a deserted alien planet lightyears away from Earth and Fitz got both of us back. Most importantly, he got you back. You guys are like that necklace of yours. Vibranium is indestructible, right?" Will had a crooked smile on his face.

Jemma couldn't help but feel guilty all over again. Two amazing guys, both hurt because of her but still vying for her happiness.

"That's not actually true. It would take immense force and energy, but it could break. Take Iron Man's laser beams and Captain America's strength and then-" The look on Will's face stopped her from speaking on the topic any further. "Oh, you were analogizing."

Will smiled in response.

"We might be here together, but we may as well be millions of miles away from each other."

"But you're not. He's just downstairs. Just go and talk with him. Take that risk. Then you would be only a few inches from one another."

Jemma let out a breath. "Thank you."

 **.**

Fitz rubbed his hand over his face in hopes to wipe away the tiredness. He had just spent the entire night in the lab on Coulson's prosthetic update. Coulson was leaving on a mission in just a few hours and the update would be instrumental to help catching his target. His watch told him that it was nearly eight o' clock. He sighed at the messy lab before him. He had no energy to clean up the mess he had made.

He took a few stretches to work out the kinks in his muscles, sent a text to Coulson informing him of the update, and started heading out of the lab. He was turning towards the hallway to the housing quarters when he bumped into someone.

"Oh, sorry, Will. I didn't see you there."

"It's okay, Fitz. It was my mistake."

"Are you headed somewhere?" Fitz asked, his eyes focused on the duffel bag in Will's hand. He wondered if he had managed to sufficiently cover up the hopefulness in his voice.

Will smiled at him. "Yeah, I'm headed home. Back to my life before I was sucked in to another planet. Thanks for everything, Fitz. For getting me out when you didn't need to. For helping me acclimate. Thank you."

Fitz smiled at him, albeit a little restrained. "It was no problem."

Will let out a chuckle. "Oh, well we both know that's not true."

Fitz let out a breath of agreement.

"It was an… experience, Fitz." Will stuck out a hand.

Fitz nodded and shook his hand, "It really was."

Will started to go past him when Fitz stopped him. "Wait, what about Jemma?"

Will smiled again, "We both know that she's meant to be with you."

Before Fitz could stop him again, Will had turned into another hallway and left.

Fitz was both relieved and anxious by Will's departure. It meant that there was nothing between them anymore, but _it meant_ that there really was nothing between them anymore. _Would they find each other again? Or would it be_ them _who were the reasons why they couldn't coexist?_

 **.**

Jemma stayed up on the roof for hours after Will had left. They had hugged and said their goodbyes and he had left her alone with her thoughts. Dusk had turned into morning and she had stayed up to watch it all happen.

Not really, though. She had been too engulfed in her thoughts to truly notice.

Will had given her good advice and simplified the solution for her, yet she was reluctant to actually do something. There was nothing separating the two of them now. And _that_ scared the shit out of her.

She knew he loved her – loved her more than she deserved – and she knew the feelings she felt for Fitz were also love, but she was still scared. _What if it wasn't wrong timing and horrible occurrences that were the reason they were two ships passing in the night? What if it what was wrong was actually_ them _?_ They had been oblivious to the thing right in front of them for over a decade or too scared to confront it. Maybe they had been perfect partners but took so long in finding and accepting that truth that they had merely become two ships passing in the night.

This _thing_ that she had with Will had created such distance between her and Fitz and she doesn't know if they can find each other again. She had loved Will, that was true. The feelings she had or has for Will was love. She acknowledges that. But she also acknowledges that that love was one of necessity, one of desperation, one fueled by loneliness. She could argue that that's how her bond with Fitz formed as well. But what she can't figure out is what the difference between the two types of love is. Was it time? Was it the strength of connection? Was there some sort of mystical force out in the universe that tied two people together?

Jemma eventually concluded that it was a combination of all those things and one more thing. Reality.

Looking back at her life, she can't help but conclude that her and Fitz are meant to be together. She has no other answer, no other explanation for the feeling she feels for Fitz. She loves both Fitz and Will, but her feelings keep leading her towards Fitz. She can't rationalize or science her way towards an answer for this one. She can only rely on arbitrary, unexplainable feelings to dictate this course of action.

If they could conquer physical distance, why can't they conquer emotional distance?

 **.**

Fitz was about to head to bed when there was a knock on his door.

 **.**

Jemma stood outside of Fitz's door, anxious. She had decided to listen to Will and take the risk.

 **.**

"Hey."

"Hey."

"I love you," Jemma blurted out.

Fitz was taken aback by her admission. "Wha- what?"

"I love you," Jemma repeated. "And I can't take it anymore, Fitz. I can't take us being apart. It's killing me." Tears were welling up in her eyes and she was sure that any moment now, she'd be crying again.

Fitz just stood there, still taken aback. He wasn't prepared for this. And half of him was too tired and was taking in everything at half speed.

"Please say something."

"I-what?"

Jemma took a breath. "I was up on the roof, thinking. And then Will came up and we just started talking and he told me to take a risk. So, I'm doing that. Because I can't keep doing what we're doing. I need to know if we can still be friends or if we be more. Or…" She took a moment to compose herself. "Nothing."

"You told me you loved him." Fitz said, stoic.

Jemma took in a shaky breath and nodded. "I do."

"But you love me too?"

"Yes."

"What?"

"Fitz," she shifted her weight from one leg to another before continuing, "I can't really explain it. All I know for sure is that I love you. With all my heart. More than I could love anyone else. When I was on Maveth, all I could think about was you. You were the sole reason that kept me going; Fitz, you're my home. I knew that from the first moment I met you. And then when I saw that bottle break, I lost hope. I shouldn't have but I did because… because I thought I'd never see you again, Fitz. I thought I'd never be able to return home. But now I'm here, I'm back because of you. Because you never gave up hope. So, can I return home?"

Fitz looked at Jemma, watched as tears escaped from their hold and rolled their way down her cheeks. He could tell she was anxious and scared, but he also could see the relief in her eyes. She'd been harboring so much guilt and regret and sadness.

Fitz didn't say anything. Instead, he brought his hand up and wiped away the tears on her cheek. In one moment of indulgence, Jemma closed her eyes and nestled into his hold. If this was the last time she'd be able to be with Fitz in a more-than-friendly capacity, she would take it.

Fitz watched as Jemma relaxed into his caress. She was effervescently beautiful. He had imagined so many times over the course of their friendship how it would feel to hold her, to kiss her, to call her his. He had imagined of a time just like this where she would tell him that she loved him too.

Slowly, she opened her eyes. His beautiful blue eyes bore a hole into hers. It was as if she was being pulled into the ethereal vastness of the ocean. His eyes had always captivated her; she could always tell so much from his eyes, but there was only one other time that she'd seen what she was seeing right now. Back when they were stuck at the bottom of the sea.

 _Goodbye._

That's what he was telling her. And who could blame him? She had caused him so much heartache, so much sadness. She had deceived him one too many times. Jemma understood.

So, with one last revel of his touch and one last look, she nodded and moved to walk away.

Fitz had been too caught up in his memories that it was only the loss of her touch that jolted him back to reality. Before she had the chance to turn completely away, he grabbed her wrist and pulled her towards him.

Much like a previous time, he pulled her in for a desperate, passionate kiss. Except this time, it was full of hope.

When they pulled away from each other, Fitz held her tight in his arms and looked right into her eyes. "Of course you can."

Jemma couldn't stop the ear-to-ear grin on her face and embraced him tightly. "I'm so sorry, Fitz, I'm so-"

"You don't have to apologize for anything, Jemma. It wasn't-"

"But Fitz, it was my-"

She was cut off as he pulled her in for another kiss. This time, it was slow and languid. It was as if he was pouring his whole heart into her. It was the one time she was glad he hadn't finished her sentences.

"I love you, Jemma. And you love me. That's all that matters."

It wasn't until five minutes later that they'd both fell against his bed and held each other until they both fell asleep. But for the time being, they kissed each other in the warm sunlight that spilled into his room. And that was enough.

* * *

 **Thanks so much for reading and for those who came back to read this, thank you for your support!**

 **Please leave a review if it evoked any type of feelings out of you.**

 **Happy New Years!**


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